stalled.

i had a really rough weekend. 

friday

ever get that feeling that people you know really don’t want to be around you? i was feeling that pretty intensely. curse of social media-i know what you’re doing but i didn’t call you out on it. sometimes i get that awful vibe that i’m not included because people think i’m a big joke. dinner at cosmic and chubby’s (if cosmic sold cheese dip i would never leave) because i wanted to eat All The Feelings. ate a quarter of a quesadilla and was stuffed.

social disappointments plus intense pain had me in tears/panic attack mode for a couple of hours. i talked with a friend on gchat to calm me down. i felt so hopeless and lost. also: when did we stop chatting with one another? i used to love AIM and talking to everyone. now i chat with three or four people, including my mom.

saturday

i launched my site after spending months procrastinating on the redesign. i think it looks a lot cleaner while still maintaining my style. i don’t want to be like every other wedding photographer, and my body of work is too diverse to limit myself to just weddings. i still have doubts about my abilities, but i’ll keep pushing through.

i had lunch at old havana sandwich shop (cafe con leche and pulled pork, white rice, maduros…currently kicking myself for not taking a picture. the building has huge windows and great light) with monica, an amazing playwright. i asked her to be my mentor last month, which is as close to asking for help as i typically get. i’m in awe of her positivity, talent and confidence. i was in a really talkative mood, so we chatted about television and art and family life. i love it when i know that i’ll be good friends with someone before i starting hanging out with them.

then i wrote in my journal for a bit, went to the library, picked up a nostalgic YA novel and catsat for a few hours. devouring a whole book in a sun-filled loft with a purring kitten is heaven. wouldn’t have minded a gin beverage, though.

spent the evening camped out on the couch, watching the office and eating a giant nutella-and-whipped-cream-slathered waffle. indigestion like a motherfucker.

sunday

met the best friend’s boyfriend. thumbs up. he likes zombies and community. had brunch at kokyu, where the owner was a total asshole. i may be boycotting those tots for a while, because i don’t deal with rudity.

went to a craft night where i started on two hp scarves (one ravenclaw, one hufflepuff. knits very indicative of house traits.) fatigue set in really early, so i went home and went to bed at 8.

today

i went to my gp this morning to see if there’s anything i can do until my rheumatology appointment. i lost another half pound. my appetite is still nonexistent. gp prescribed some steroids to bring down the swelling and gave me an order for a chest x-ray in the event that my chest pains come back. man, these ‘roids are working. i had forgotten what it was like to be dexterous. i want to play flute and guitar for hours to test it out, but i’ll take things slow and just revel in my skinny fingers and lack of pain. hopefully i’ll be able to go back to yoga and regular exercise-that will help with my mental well-being immensely. i’m a bit worried about weight gain and an increase in appetite from being a juicehead (if it weren’t so late there would be a hilarious photoshopped picture of my face on a bodybuilder’s head right here), but i’ll take that over the swelling/joint pain.

i have trouble actually speaking about this with anyone outside of my family. i don’t like being weak. i don’t like being out of control. i have enough confidence issues as it is, and telling people that i’m sick releases a wave of pity that i don’t want to receive. i fight so hard for what little independence i have, and i am hurting because i feel like a nuisance.