one year ago today

i spent two hours in bed fighting off a panic attack about doing my project. i think subconsciously i have been sabotaging myself for a long time. i’m burnt out. i’m tired. i am UNHAPPY. and as much as i appreciate the encouragement and kind thoughts, i can’t keep doing this to myself. so, i drove home today and told my dad that i will not be graduating next weekend. he was okay with it. i was terrified and i felt like i let everyone down, when in reality i was beating myself up over being not good enough for a career that makes me physically sick to my stomach. i don’t want a job where my only interaction with people is for a story. i want a job where i can help people, be creative, and be happy. but it’s not about what other people think, anyway. i am finally taking care of myself and fixing two of the worst mistakes of my life: being a photo major and working for the daily tar heel. that’s not to say that everything about those choices was bad; i met some of my very best friends through the dth, and i learned about photography and sometimes did things that i enjoyed. it’s just for the most part i was miserable. so next week i will not be earning a diploma, but i will have reclaimed some sanity.

and exactly one week from today, i will get that diploma. things are turning out beautifully.