i haven’t been posting recently because i’m super busy at governor’s school and because i’m pretty tired of blogging. i don’t post a lot of original content, and when i do, it is random and usually fluff. this might be the end of my blogging for a while.
here goes:
[written in july of 2008]
governor’s school is more important to me than any internship or job. it’s an opportunity for me to be myself and encourage others to be themselves.
it is a place where you meet 460 other people and become best friends. you learn, you think, you’re frustrated and pushed to the breaking point, but in a good way. i have received so much support from my coworkers and students there. even little things: one faculty member said that if his sister were to attend governor’s school, he would only want her on my hall. i’m trusted and respected, and in turn encouraged to work (and play) harder.
this has made me realize that i can’t continue with photojournalism. i want a job that is fulfilling, or at the very least, fun.
i learned a lot about myself. not in that complete life-changing way like i did at gse in 2003, but in a way that shakes me to the core. i love music and art and being creative and helping others and planning things, and i don’t always care that i’m not the smartest or best at everything. i am me, and that should be enough.
and what did i do? i chose to move into an apartment i couldn’t afford and work a job that ate away at my soul. i graduated from college. i moved home. i got an internship. i found my creative outlets but was too afraid to pursue them. i hung out with people that were devoid of substance and character, and made me feel that i should be the same. people who i encountered regularly but could not-and should not-trust. i spent months without people who truly understood me. it was lonely, and it was sad, but i didn’t cry. i felt empty. i
was empty.
all the while, i was struggling with who i am and what i want to be, and feeling so
odd for wanting to do things that i’ve always done-music, art, reading, writing. i’m a person of many interests. i’ve learned over the past year that many others are not. many people
settle. i can’t settle. it will cripple my very being.
during orientation this week, jenn was discussing the idea of ‘giftedness’ and explained that gifted people have a high disposition to overexcitability (which explains my extreme dislike and discomfort over the past year) and often deny that they are gifted (ie, i played guitar in my bathroom for a year because i didn’t think i was good enough. i stopped reading. i put off doing anything of value to sit in front of the tv and zone out).
i am gifted. i have always been smart. i was taught to be a hard worker and a helpful and creative person. i like to read. i like to sing and interact and make things and fix things and do things and experience things. and somewhere along the way, i forgot how to do that. i forgot how to take pride in myself.
now i’m surrounded by this overwhelming community of thinkers-artists, educators, and friends, always ready to help me out, to have a discussion, to roll around on the quad. it’s great, but it also makes me worry. how do i sustain this beyond this summer? chapel hill has nothing for me. i’m too comfortable and simultaneously unhappy in durham. i’m going to have to stay there indefinitely because of my financial situation, but i am ready to go and find a place where i can be happy. i’m going to try, because that’s all i can do, and for the next two months i will go to bed smiling.
